Deep thoughts while being sick

Even when sick, there’s something to be learned.

And grateful for.

Being sick usually makes me a bit mopey. Understandable. But then I can start to feel sorry for myself, and from there, it’s easy for the thought train to go south. Recently I was sick, and since becoming aware of my mopey pattern with a built-in downward slide, I was attempting to be patient and soft with myself. I lasted several days like this (progress!)—stuck inside sitting in the same chair every day softly waiting to get better.

But then it became clear that I was dealing with more than just a bad cold. Some virus had taken me down and it was going to take weeks to recover from, even when I started to feel better, whenever that was.

Then this happened:

I'm so mad.

Missing the fall.

Not strong.

Can't bike.

The garden is a disaster.

Can't move plants.

It got much worse when I realized I had been looking forward to fall since an exhausting summer. That turned things against me, and my anger turned into despair and the thinking went like this:

Ruined plans.

My plans.

Plans for me.

It was at this point that something surprising happened. A familiar thought came next but there was a certain distance from it:

This world is not for me.

Which is another way of saying: I don’t belong in the world.

That is where I used to end up a fair amount—sometimes during exceptionally difficult experiences and other times when simply stubbing my toe or bumping my head. Now though, even on my southbound thought train, the “this world is not for me” thought seemed leftover and like it didn’t apply—like at all—even though it was somehow of me (of course it was of me, I had thought it). The thought had moved out of my house but still happened to live next door. A familiar neighbor I can wave to as I walk on by.

Thank god.

As I dead-ended at a despair thought that didn’t apply to me anymore, the anger remained. Anger layered on top of being sick—great. By the next morning, the anger was mostly gone though, and I was back to being just plain sick.